A Naturally Dubious Nature

If there is one thing I would like to change about myself it’s my self confidence. Not as in ‘can’t step out of the house’ confidence, I mean confidence in my own ability to do things. I have a phrase that perfectly sums me up.

I doubt therefore I don’t.

Because I have such a dubious view of my own ability sometimes, I end up not even trying. Why try if you know you are going to fail anyway? Why waste the energy? Believe me, I don’t like this about myself and I hate even more the fact that I have just grown to accept this about myself.

Someone hands me a task to do and my first instinct is to cry because I just know I’m going to screw it up. I start going to the guy but end up giving that up because I know I’m not getting anywhere. Why bother trying to stop biting my nails when I know I’m just going to start again at some point?

I could go on.

This is why I have always operated online through … secret identities. I have had a couple of online personas in the past, most notably for when I was writing fanfiction (under a different name back then). That way I didn’t have to worry that if it wasn’t any good then I would be blamed for it, I always had deniability and the ability to disappear and become someone else.

Why am I like this? Well, I could always use the good old crutch of the fact that I was bullied a lot as a kid but was that the cause or a symptom? I don’t suppose I will ever figure that one out (See? there I go again).

My life at this particular moment is on a knife edge of the biggest decision my husband and I will ever have to make. Do we stick with living where we are now, in boring old suburbia with a low paying job, or do we up sticks and move everything we have to somewhere beautiful and remote where we can run a home business? My hear says “YES!!!! Go for it! Don’t let this opportunity get away!” but my head says “eeeehhhhhh, I’m not so sure …”.

*Sigh* Would someone like to make my life choices for me please?

Response to word prompt “Dubious“.

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Being An Adult

When I was younger and I was being bullied by other kids at my school I used to long to be a grown up so that it didn’t happen any more. Now bullying just seems to be more subtle but still just as prevalent. It’s not the name calling or throwing mud at you anymore, it’s so-called friends skulking around behind your back. It’s people turning on you in the blink of an eye over the word of someone else.

It’s a lonely place to be when the group of friends you thought you had, don’t even have your back offer the most basic things.

Facebook and other social media outlets have given us a false sense of security in our friendships. With over 300 friends on my Facebook list you would think I had people talking to me, hanging out and generally being good friends to me ever day. Nope. Most of the people on my friends list are people I have maybe met once or twice, and a majority of them I don’t even really know who they are, just that they are friends with other friends who I do kinda recognize.

We have come to use it as a crutch, but out of those 300 friends, only two ever make an effort to talk to me outside of it. Even then those two friends live 2-3 hours away and can only visit/be visited every so often. Those are the type of friends that it takes effort to stay in touch with but when you do hook up it is like you have never been apart.

but how do you deal with the depression of knowing that you don’t have anyone immediately to hand to talk to. Anyone at all. This is what my husband is facing at the moment and it is heart breaking knowing that I can’t fill that gap he feels in his life.

Human beings are capable of amazing levels of compassion and kindness, but also astonishing levels of cruelty and hatred. Be it on an  inhumanly large scale or down to intentionally hurting one person emotionally.

When I grow up I want to be a bat so I can just fly away into the night.

The Shadow Of Doubt

Doubt. It is a terrible thing.

It can make a person reconsider a decision that could vastly improve their lives for ever, just because that person is afraid that something bad might happen. It clouds judgment, blinds you to new possibilities and prevents you from taking that leap of faith.

Sometimes it can be over something truly monuments, like getting married. I never had an ounce of doubt in my mind over getting married to my truly amazing husband, but I know a fair few who did feel a pang of “what the hell am I doing?!?” as they walk down the isle.

However it seems to be smaller, but still reasonably big decisions that cause me the most anxiety from doubting a decision once it has been made. Well, we are both feeling this level of doubt right now. We just bought a motor-home.

We have been wanting a motor-home for a while now, we currently have a caravan which is perfectly good but the car that we use to tow it is a total and utter money pit and hardly gets about 13 MPG. But that car was my husbands favorite toy, he would spend hours working on it, cursing at it and then grinning with pride when he finally got it to do what he wanted it to do.

But now it and the caravan has to go, and although we are gaining an added level of freedom in the form of this motor-home, we are taking a rather large financial risk.

We have no real way of knowing if this thing is any good. we know it has some faults and we managed to barter the salesman down by pointing out some obviously broken (but fixable) things. But there are still so many unknowns and now we are without the 4×4 car that has always been the workhorse in our lives.

It’s doubt over which one was the lesser of two evils. The financial drain of the car and caravan or the unknown of the motor-home.

Yes, this is a material issue and is not in any way intended to reflect against people going through much more serious situations. However to us, this is a big step and I have been going from nervous to excited to down-right nauseous just thinking about it. I’m still not sure if we have made the right decision over this particular one.

I guess we will have to wait and see …